Death and the Family

Season's Greetings to all!

I hope that everyone has had a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, and any other Yuletide holiday I may have missed. I wish I could say I have, but that would be a lie.

On December 5th, at 6:05 pm central time, My grandmother passed away.

She was 75 years old, and had been battling cancer for the past 12 years or so. Despite the fact that it eventually claimed her life, I can honestly say she won that fight; she endured far longer than many would have; there was not a single remission the entire length of her battle, and yet she maintained a strong spirit throughout. I know that the only reason she fought for so long was because of us, her family.

Even weeks later, I still don't know how I feel. It goes without saying that I love her and miss her; it boggles the mind to realize that I will never again hear her voice, never again speak to her. She'll never again call me her little "Honey-honey, Sugar-sugar." I'll never get to hug her and tell her I love her. That fact saddens me beyond measure.

But I also am relieved that it is over; she fought for so long, and I know how tired she was of the struggle. It comforts me to know that she can rest now, that she has moved beyond suffering.

So, I'm left with a strange mixture of grief and relief.

Up until now, I've been fortunate. My grandmother's passing is the first time I've ever experienced a death in the family. I know for a fact that most people cannot make the same claim. As bad as it is, I think the worst part is that I know that this is just the beginning. Death is inevitable; as I get older and  as time goes on, more people I love will die, and there's nothing that I or anyone else can do to prevent it. I've known this on an intellectual level for as long as I can remember; I think Bambi's mom dying was the big reveal.

But until now, I've never actually known it on an emotional level. I still don't know how I feel, or how to process. I haven't really had any time to grieve or truly process; I spent a week in Kansas City, visiting family and attending the funeral; between the time spent with aunts and uncles and cousins by the score, I never had a moment alone. And once I left, I immediately had to return to work and my normal routine, as if nothing had changed in my life.

Understandably, this has put a serious damper on the holiday season. The truth is Christmas was pretty much cancelled this year; there was no tree or decorations, no family meal, and no gifts exchanged. I think everyone is tapped out emotionally.

I know I am.

This year has been rough; there have been more defeats than victories, more loses than gains in my life as of late. Even though I knew it was coming, I can't help but feel as if my grandmother's death was the knockout punch for me. I'm bone tired, exhausted beyond measure. And I see no relief in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel. Just more of the same drudgery, minus my grandmother's presence.

What am I supposed to do now?