Knights Who Say Knee

Last week, I was forced to make an appointment with a doctor about an ongoing issue.

"Cry baby says 'what?'"

I have nothing personal against doctors, mind you. Rather, my issue is with the American Healthcare System. It doesn't take a genius to see that the system as a whole is nothing more than a bloated, Godzilla-sized tick, feverishly sucking away at the life blood of its customers, hiking prices up by 1000% or more, just because they can get away with it. All in the name of profit. And that would be fine and dandy, if we were Ferengi.

Rule of Acquisition #10- Greed is eternal.

Since the middle of October, I've been experiencing pain in my left knee. It didn't really restrict my mobility or inhibit my day to day life; I could still walk, ride my bike, run, and drop kick puppies with the best of them; it was a minor irritation, not unlike cleaning a litter box after both cats decide to make back to back trips.

Thus, I've done my best to avoid doctors, hospitals, and medications of all kinds for as long as humanly possible. Because I don't feel like having my bank account ass-raped with a sandpaper condom anymore than it already is-- I'm looking at you, student loans. So I did what any reasonable person living in a country where Making Money is more important than Healing the Sick would do.

Rule of Acquisition #23- Nothing is more important than your health...except for your money

I pretended the problem didn't exist. You know, like the way Florida pretends Climate Change and Rising Sea Levels don't exist.*

I'm sure you can guess how well that strategy worked out.

Beginning in January, the pain began to worsen; rather than being something that I could ignore, it decided to spit on our truce by growing progressively more whiny. A few random twinges here and there turned into an achy soreness that would persist for days before finally quieting down. I first became aware of this new stage in our relationship when I was at the gym. It was leg day, and so my knee felt that was the perfect opportunity to explain to me, at great length, why it wasn't a good idea to be doing what I was doing.

I patiently listened to it's argument, and offered a proposal: I would take a month off from leg days, and in exchange, it would stop screaming bloody murder at me every time I squatted.

And so much to my disgust, I skipped leg day for a whole month.

But once again, Left Knee reneged on our deal; he started doing his impression of an 8 year old girl who insists she isn't tired and refuses to go to bed-- there was screaming and tantrums for hours on end.

Realizing that things would probably only get worse, I hung my head in defeat and scheduled an appointment with a doctor. I can hear the insurance companies cackling evilly even now.

Rule of Acquisition #1- Once you have their money, you never give it back.

After a close examination of my knee, followed by a detailed description of my symptoms-- I was assiduously taking notes each time Left Knee misbehaved and threw a tantrum-- he stated what the issue was.

Patella Tracking Disorder

Basically, my patella (the kneecap) shifts out of place when I bend my leg. My mind immediately supplied me with all sorts of gruesome and painful outcomes of having such a disorder. Imagine the hell scenes from Event Horizon, all centered around my left leg.

"Do you see?!"

My doctor kindly dispelled those thoughts, though. The disorder, in my case, was caused by some muscle imbalances; I have old man hips. Like, really old man hips. Even as a child, I recall being extremely uncomfortable sitting cross-legged on the ground, due to having the hip strength of a ninety year old woman.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I also have a few other muscle issues contributing to my nagging knee:

1. My core is kind of not in shape.

2. My glutes are constantly tensed up when I stand upright, doing everything in their power to keep me from falling over.

3. My IT band, the muscle that runs from the hip all the way down to the ankle, is also ridiculously tight. That's what is shoving my patella out of alignment.

4. Due to all the biking I've been doing, my quads are strong-- too strong. They are overpowering my hamstrings, which are weak and girly little things.

So all this is bad.

However, I'm happy to say that the issue can be taken care of with lots of stretching and some exercises focused around my core. My doctor recommended me to a physical therapist, who in turn is working with me to fix the issue so that not only will I correct my knee problem, but I might also gain some much needed mobility.

Maybe one day I'll be able to sit cross-legged without weeping. Who knows?


* In case you weren't aware, Florida officials have banned the use of 'climate change,' 'global warming,' and 'rising sea level' in any government emails, communications, and reports. You can read about it here: http://www.miamiherald.com/news/state/florida/article12983720.html