The Passing of a Friend

My dog is going to die today.

Not because of old age, though that would have been the likely cause if we fast forwarded a few years; despite being eleven or twelve years old, with a black coat more and more peppered in gray, he's as spry as a puppy, full of bouncy energy. Whenever I see him, he prances around the room in a display of doggy joy, ignoring all commands to sit and behave. He'd jump up and desperately try to cover my face in saliva as he lavished dog kisses.

Nor is disease the cause; horses would envy his health.  His visits to the vet always revealed a healthy, happy dog who is aging well and not suffering the indignities of the time ravaged.

And accident isn't the cause either. No horrible story about a clueless animal running in the streets, ignorant of oncoming traffic.

Part of me wishes it were because of one of the those causes. Because the reality is far worse.

My dog is going to die today, because he made a mistake.

I should clarify. Turo isn't my dog personally. He's my mom's dog, but we all love him. He's been a part of the family for ten years now. He was there for the good times and the bad. My late grandmother fondly referred to him as her "body guard dog," a role Turo relished as he trailed her where ever she would go around the house when she visited us.

I don't know much about what happened. What I do know is that I received a text from my mom a little past midnight, as I was heading home from work. Turo had bitten my mom, and wouldn't stop growling at her. My heart sank as I read it, for my mom and for Turo.

I'm having a hard time articulating how I feel. There's too much. My heart aches for my mom, who is shocked and dismayed. Once Turo calmed down, he seemed to realize what he had done, because she says he looked sad and ashamed. But the damage has been done. She can no longer trust him.

I feel so bad for my mom, for what she's going through. For what she has to do. Despite what happened, she loves Turo. She doesn't want to hurt him or see him suffer, but what happens if he attacks her again? What if he attacks my nieces and nephew when they visit her? It's understandable that she can't risk that. And simply taking him to a shelter wouldn't work; if he bit her, the woman who had raised him from a puppy, no one else would be safe.

I feel so terribly sad for Turo, who knows that he messed up, that he crossed a line that can't be uncrossed. He's going to spend his last day on Earth knowing that he hurt the person who loves him the most. And the sadness will be mixed with stark terror as he's carted off to be put to sleep.

I feel so helpless. They are both in so much pain, and there's nothing I can do to help either of them. I'm going to miss Turo so very much; I can't express my grief. I just feel...heavy, as though a mountain has settled on my heart.

Goddammit. This sucks.