Patterns and Ruts

I woke up today with an intense feeling of melancholy. It wasn't difficult to get out of bed or anything like that. I just felt sort of scattered, as if I couldn't muster up the energy to focus on any one thing. Rather then simply succumb to the fogginess, I actually slithered out of bed, had some caffeine, and did some cardio. Amazingly, that helped shake off the worst of it. But I still found myself feeling like congress: old, withered, and as useless as a screen door on a submarine.

Don't look at me!

After a bit of thinking, I hit upon the problem currently vexing me.

As a child, I was a huge Calvin and Hobbes fan. I owned all of the books, and would read them back to back, weekly. Surprisingly, I didn't pick up any of Calvin's bad habits. I'd like to think it was because even at a young age, I had a good head on my shoulders and realized that it was a simple comic character. But I know that sure as shit isn't true; I was a hard headed little hellion.

No, the real reason is because unlike Calvin's parents, my mom would have beat my ass every single time I tried to run away when it was time to go to the bus stop for school, or sling a bucket of mud at her because I was bored, or any of the countless brilliant ideas he had. Strangely, I had an aversion to blisters on my bottom, and so avoided the totally cool antics that I not-so-secretly wanted to inflict on...everyone.

Mischief aside, I think one of the things I liked- and still like- about the comic is that Calvin was wise for his age, and had a pretty good idea of how the world functioned. And he had the common sense to be outraged by a lot of it, especially when it came to subjects like the abuse of the environment and the futility of joining the rat race.

One particular strip has stuck with me for many years now, and not simply because of the humor.

As a kid, I thought it was pretty funny. In fact, I remember showing it to my mom at some point and pointing out the similarities between Calvin's tormented father and her. But as bright as I thought I was, I didn't grasp the underlying tragedy that it represented.

Only now that I'm an adult and have seen the last of my care free summer vacations that I truly understand how cruel Calvin- and by extension, myself- was. The only form of solace I have is that I don't have a child. A child who would no doubt grow to be a real life version of Calvin, complete with the ability to animate deranged mutant killer monster snow goons.

Okay, I lied. That would be pretty cool.

12 year old me laughed at the comic, only seeing things from Calvin's perspective. But jump forward 21 years, and now I'm stuck in that very same trap that Calvin's poor, poor father dealt with.

It's my understanding that life is mostly about patterns. Routines that you follow day to day, with very little deviation. Without intending to, most of us do the same things, in the same order, everyday. Wake up, go to work, come home from work, and sleep. And that's fine for the most part; without these sort of routines, civilization would probably fall apart.

But what happens when the pattern you weave, that routine you constantly follow, just brings you misery? What do you do when the pattern is akin to a gigantic spider web, and you become the fly?

Guess which one I am.

I was thinking about that comic strip today, and how much it hits home for me. You see, I don't like being stuck in a boring routine; some people find comfort in it, but I don't. I think that's one of the reasons I never held a steady job in my 20's. And now that I'm in my 30's, I find that I'm staying in the same job, not because it's good or fulfilling or any of that, but because there isn't any other option.

When I was a kid and read that particular Calvin strip, I told myself that that wasn't going to be me when I got older. I would rather be poor and happy than wealthy and miserable. Well, I'm poor and miserable, so I fucked up on both accounts.