Birthday Number 34

So today is my birthday. A day that, until last year, I was usually excited for. I've always looked forward to my birthdays, even as I grew older and was denied all of those things that make birthdays great: cake, ice cream, parties, and presents.

Nowadays, all I can look forward to is counting how many well wishes I receive on Facebook. And while I appreciate people taking time out of their lives to give me a birthday shout-out, it rings hollow when compared to the festive birthdays of the past. This is especially true this year; being unemployed has robbed me of the spending money to go out and do something fun, and the majority of my friends live in different states.

Normally, I look at my birthday as a day of renewal, a personal new year. I contemplate my goals and spend time hoping the coming year is going to be grand-- only to have those hopes fall short, shattering apart not unlike raw eggs on concrete.

My hopes.

But, while I could never be mistaken as an optimist, I can at least stubbornly cling to the dream that this coming year will be the exception to the epic crap salad that has been my adult life. In the spirit of that dream, I've compiled a short list of lessons I've learned over the last orbital trip around the sun. In no particular order:

9 times out of 10, I can make better food than I can buy at a store. Especially chicken soup.
This one is pretty basic, but it helps to keep it in mind. Barring extreme illness, it's better to take some extra time to cook a meal myself rather than rely on the questionable quality of a prepackaged meal. I'm not Gordon Ramsey by any means, but I'm good enough to produce tasty stuff.

The exception being baked goods. I just... no.

Mine are usually worse than this.

It's better to try and not succeed than not try at all.
2016 has been a humbling year for me. The two big endeavors of my life have been building an acting career and a writing career. Sad to say, my acting career doesn't seem to be happening. When I first got into my talent agency, I was enthusiastic beyond measure. Now two years later, and I've all but given up. I'm not getting enough work to make a continued effort worth it; the last acting job I had was in February. I've had nary an audition since, despite getting a number of availability checks; for whatever reason, I'm not getting the opportunities. Acting is an expensive business; classes are expensive, head shots are expensive, and travel is expensive. As much as it pains me to say, I'm not making nearly enough from acting to continue at this point.

Now obviously that's a kick in my morale balls. But as sucktastic as it is, at least I can happily say that I've given it an honest attempt. The same cannot be said for my writing endeavors.

In my last birthday post, I had declared that I would have my book in publishable condition; it would be edited, test read, and ready to either be self published or sent out to the big publishing houses. Long story short, I spent this past year doing everything but work on that poor, neglected book. Unlike my acting career, I haven't given it much effort, despite it being on my mind near-constantly. I've nagged at myself, berated myself, threatened myself, and called myself all sorts of mean names in order to actually get off my ass and start writing. Which would mean getting back on my ass, since I don't have a standing desk...

The point is, I'm very disappointed at myself, and if I could jump back to September 18th, 2015, I'd actually do this thing and prevent a year from draining away faster than Donald Trumps dignity.

It's easier to accept people for who they are and move on, rather than getting caught up in their drama.
It took a long time for me to get at this point, but I'm here now. As I get older, I've come to realize that I don't have the time or energy to deal with the bullshit. I learned this lesson from dealing with my little brother. I love my little brother very much, and I know he loves me too. The problem is that we are complete opposites in so many respects, and we have nothing in common beyond being blood. Nothing. No interests or hobbies at all. We rarely talk, because we have nothing to talk about.

It wasn't always like this. When we were children, my brother and I were closer than close; despite being older, I didn't speak much as a small child, so my little brother often translated what I wanted to say. Sadly, time and distance as withered that once close bond, and now we're almost strangers.

To compensate, my little brother always acts like a 12 year old when dealing with me; he calls me names, he initiates wrestling matches, and other frivolity. For years, it would bug the hell out of me, because I'm not 12 anymore. So of course I'd get angry at him, and we'd get into fights.

But once I realized what he's doing, I just kind of went with the flow. My little brother has many flaws, and can be a considerable headache to not just myself, but the rest of the family as well. But I find that I don't get mad at him as much anymore. He is who he is, and while I certainly don't approve, I'm not going magically change him. So I'll just shake my head and move on whenever his actions causes grief.

Always make sure you have toilet paper in the bathroom before you do your business.
Learned that the hard way.

Where's your god now?

I'm ill-suited to the daily grind.
If I've learned anything from the three years at my former job, it's that I'm ultimately not cut out for the 9-5 grind. I'm just not. Most people are accepting of that routine, and more power to them. I am not, and I need to stop forcing my square peg to fit into that circle.

That didn't sound as dirty in my head.

The point is, I need to start looking outside the box, because the inside of the box is filled with the rancid scent of farts from a group of lactose-intolerant obese men just returning from an orgy at Baskin Robbins.

Time to fuel up.

And finally:
No matter what I want to do in life, I'll have to work for it.
Since I wasn't born a member of the Kardashian clan, I'm just going to have to accept that nothing is going to be handed to me on a silver platter. That includes any sort of success in this writing thing. A big part of the inertia this past year involving my book was that it would actually require work. Well, that and the crippling self doubt.

Ugh.





I want to give a big Thank You to everyone who has stuck around and actually read my blog over the years. I'm always pleasantly surprised whenever I receive feedback, criticisms, and well-wishes. I appreciate you taking the time to read my silly rants.