Real talk, my insomnia has been hitting me more often and for longer periods, and it is driving me insane. This would be the 5th time in the past 30 days. For perspective, I usually get the random insomniac episode once a month-- twice if my anxiety is playing soccer with my brain.
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| Fly, little brain, fly! |
But for the past few months now, it's been getting worse. A lot worse. Not only is it happening more often-- every week instead of every month-- the duration has been extended as well. Now instead of just a single night, I get to look forward to two or three or even four consecutive nights of sleeplessness.
I'm doing everything right. I avoid drinking caffeine after 2 pm, the electronics get shut down two hours before I go to bed to avoid the dreaded blue light that apparently keeps you awake. I do my best to chill out and relax by listening to calming music and reading. And even when I'm reading, I make sure it isn't something that's going to be too stimulating.
The process seems to work. Inch by delicious inch, I can feel the lethargic fuzziness take hold of my brain. I feel the urge to stretch and let out an epic yawn. Finally, it is bed time. I shut the lights off, lay down and shut my eyes.
And then open them, to stare at my darkened room. What the hell? Let me try again. I shut my eyes and.... they pop right back open. The lethargy is somehow dispelled as if it had never been. I'm wide awake and full of... energy? No, not that. I'm still tired from my day. My body is begging me to go the fuck to sleep. But my mind would rather do anything but.
I toss and turn, trying my best to ignore the rising tension, the stress of not being able to sleep. And with it the anger, the white hot frustration and growing rage at being denied one more thing that I desire.
5:21 am. I have to be up at 9 am to get ready for work. If I'm lucky, I'll manage to fall asleep sometime around 7 am. If I skip breakfast, I can wake up at 9:30 instead.
Why is this happening? Why?!
For fucks sake, my life is a major shit show as is. Depression, anxiety, low self esteem. I'm 36 and still live like a broke college student. I'm lonely in every sense of the word. My only reprieve is the ability to fall asleep after a long day of working retail and dreaming dreams that involve some form of happiness and contentment.
But I guess I don't get even that little slice of peace.
