More Kitten Madness

It's been a few months since Khaleesi, the furry whirlwind of destruction, entered our home. Since that time, she has doubled in size and discovered her niche as an agent of chaos and anarchy; all that she surveys is reduced to its component parts in a matter of seconds.

In other words, she's a typical kitten.

Don't be fooled by her cute; she's a monster.

In the time she's been with us, we've spent much of our time trying to curb her destructive habits with a combination of patience, a firm yet gentle punting, and liberal doses of water from the numerous spray bottles strategically places around the battleground...err, house.

As expected, we've only had limited success.

It is with a great effort of will that I haven't kicked her against a wall or tossed her in the garbage disposal or something equally horrendous; cute though she be, her hobby of tearing apart my possessions has quickly gone stale. Even worse, she has picked my room as her favorite hang out, and loves nothing more than to try and climb in my closet or play with my window blinds.

To date, she has: 

~Slipped like a shadow into my closet and climbed everything. My clothes are her personal jungle gym, and the boxes filled with books her obstacle course. I've had to toss three shirts because her tiny hell claws have punctured them beyond repair. 

Needless to say, my closet is on 24/7 lock down; if the door is open for even an instant, she darts in. It doesn't matter where she is in the house. If that door opens even a crack, there she is. She can teleport like Nightcrawler.

~ Spent many a late night playing games with a plastic bag while I try to sleep. When I take it away from her, she creeps out of my room and returns not five minutes later with another bag. WHERE DOES SHE GET THEM? I once spent 20 minutes collecting every loose piece of plastic I could find and locking it in a closet. She somehow found another one and went right back to playing. I have no idea where she finds them; I'm convinced she can access the Demiplane of Plastic Bags using her infernal kitten powers.

~ Ruined two loaves of bread. I foolishly left a loaf of bread on the kitchen counter, naively believing that she would have no reason to destroy it; what kind of monster attacks bread?! Well, I now know the answer to that question. Oh, you don't believe me? Well, take a look at this:

After the first incident, I decided it would be wise to keep my new, unshredded loaf secured in the bread box (yes we have one of those) on top of the fridge. I then went about my business, a smug smile on my face; human ingenuity combined with weird old-timey devices would defeat the fuzzy ball of entropy. I would be able to enjoy a turkey sandwich with medium cheddar, lettuce, a dab of mustard, and a pickle after all.

I was a fool.

I came home a few hours later to find my bread demolished. The little hell-spawn had somehow managed to reach the top of the fridge by climbing up one of the bar stools, running across the kitchen counter, making a running leap into the pantry adjacent to the fridge, scaling to the top shelf, and then hopping over to the not-so-secure bread box that was all that stood in the way of Khaleesi and my future turkey sandwich with medium cheddar, lettuce, a dab of mustard, and a pickle.

Apparently, kitten voodoo includes a spell capable of opening slots in bread boxes. Or maybe somebody else had just left it open. Either way, my dreams of a turkey sandwich with medium cheddar, lettuce, a dab of mustard, and a pickle where reduced to shredded wheat and plastic wrap.

~ Chosen my cat Kira as her BFF. That doesn't seem like a bad thing in and of itself, but it is. Kira is like my second shadow; everywhere I go around the house, Kira is sure to follow. It's sweet and incredibly cute. But now Kira herself has an additional shadow. Which gives me three shadows in all.

Best Friends.

While it is nice to see Kira and the kitten darting around the house playing together and being adorable, the fact that they both orbit around me means that where ever I go in the house, destruction is close behind.

~ Mastered the ninja art of Sneak Attack. One must move carefully around the house, for every shadow, every nook and cranny, every tiny space could contain a nightmare ready to pounce on your soft, unprotected feet and legs. One minute you are minding your own business, the next you have a kitten latched onto your appendage.

I'm sure she will grow out it; all cats start out as kittens, and all kittens were put on this earth to shred furniture, bread, house plants, and human skin. She'll eventually get older and mellow out. Right? Right?!